The Journal of Teniel Djo (Year 10 - Year 12)

Year 10 Day 40

Dear diary,

I set out today to make a very high-profile capture, and while greasing the harpoon gun aboard my ship, was delighted to receive two simultaneous pieces of welcome news from Eidola members positioned around the galaxy yesterday.

Year 10 Day 241

Dear diary,

With our new riches begging to be shared, there were four active members of the Eidola Pirates aboard the same ship today; myself, Luna and Phillipe from the Corellian battle, and another one who prefers to remain nameless in my correspondence lest this diary fall into the wrong hands.

After raising a toast to our success, and rolling naked in piles of gold, we spoke disparagingly of Davidus Kla and Pozz Umgee, who had fled the fight at the first sign of an Imperial presence. Our unnamed passenger was conciliatory, but spirits remained high throughout.

We are en route now to arrange a high-profile prisoner transfer with Bruce Spear Jr. who has been keeping the pressure on those who ally with Eidola's enemies in the Outer Rim - targeting those who align themselves with Krath, Rogue Squadron and BlasTech. We will also be rendez-vousing to arrange force-testing for our two new recruits, before we begin the trek towards our next battle.

Year 10 Day 221

Dear diary,

They say that greed can make people do stupid things, but I learned this week that the desire for revenge is almost just as damning. After packing up the Gráinne Ni Mháille - I set off for the wonderful land of Scam-a-lot, also known as Polith, where all the rare ships sold by Black Sun, to pay their debts from the failed tax-planet-project, were located.

Upon arriving, it was a simple matter to make a quick reference sheet of the owners of each rare ship in the system, and then send them a strange message, offering to pay 200% the going rate for their rare ship AND offering to "send first" if they'd just assign the ship to prove they owned it.

The scam here is pretty simple, dear diary, and I'd be surprised if you couldn't already predict the ending yourself. Obviously I am pulled alongside these ships, and the instant I see the rare ship assigned to me, I run into it, dock it in the Gráinne Ni Mháille and run off giggling at having hijacked a rare ship, costing my enemy anywhere from 50-200mil in lost revenue since their ship is now practically worthless.

But diary, you would be surprised at how many RICH VETERANS were not so smart as you. I admit I started off by targeting the mentally retarded, knowing that Jeb'el'Ras was not only one of the most short-sighted and greedy men in the galaxy, but that he'd LOVE the chance to have Teniel Djo "send first" and thus redeem some of his shattered ego from all the previous times he had been victimised by Eidola. I approached him about purchasing his X-Wing, offering to pay 300mil from the money I'd stolen from him in the past, but discovered he had a second one at the same location, so upped my offer to 600mil. As soon as I mentioned I was willing to send first, he started trying to up the ante, offering to throw in some Vipers, but I distracted him claiming that I had already bought Vipers from Orphaea Imperium, a former Eidola member now in the Imperial High Command. Well, it was enough for Jeb, he happily assigned his X-Wings to me and they were immediately hijacked. He displayed stunning lack of knowledge about in-universe physics when he suggested that it was impossible to have docked his ships without employing "multiple tractor beams" - obviously not realising he had just made me PILOT of his SHIPS in order to try and rob me.

Well, the next operation was for the B-Wing a short distance away, so while I sublighted to its location, I spent the following 30 minutes chatting up its owner, Cevin Pong, and mentioning that I was paying nearly 400mil for a B-Wing. Well, dear diary, as you can imagine he excitedly informed he "just so happened" to have one! Excellent, I said, just assign me pilot and I'll send you the cash immediately! He did, and well....that added a B-Wing to my list of hijacked ships.

Well, by now I was starting to fear that Jeb or Cevin might alert the other owners in the system about my ploy, so decided to quickly take advantage of that one group I know will always crumble before Eidola....the Krath. I contacted Tapar Cracken, and he was more than willing to assign me his TIE Interceptor in exchange for my promise to "send first" and return a planet that Eidola had stolen from Krath last year. Well, he assigned, I hijacked, he fumed. You know how things are, dear diary.

Now I was feeling cocky, and wanted to test my prowess; so I looked for the most difficult target in the system; Jacob Jansen, the leader of the Trade Federation, an Imperial Remnant puppet dictator, and somebody who had banned his own troops from interacting with Teniel Djo for fear they would be smooth-talked into something stupid. As you can guess, dear diary, I loved the opportunity to smooth-talk HIM into something stupid...so I promised to return 4 TF Scarab Fighters that Eidola had collected over the years (some stolen, some legitimately purchased; at one point Eidola owned more Scarab fighters than the TF did, according to Corbin Esco), and of course, to "send first" as long as he'd just assign me the Viper he was promising me in return. Well, you can guess how that story ended...

So now I'm flying to Sevarcos, to deposit another 900mil worth of materiel stolen from our enemies to our docking bays. The war continues, and Eidola prevails.

Year 10 Day 260

Dear diary,

BAWKNEIRA was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He was a veteran who made a name for himself as a successful trader over the period of six years. But then he crossed blades with Eidola, and now, dear diary, all we can say is that Old BAWKNEIRA is as dead as a door-nail.

It happened during the machinations of war, as Eidola was preparing to assault a Trade Federation purseworld; it was mentioned in passing that we did not have enough haulers in the sector, and it would delay us significantly to move in a new vessel. Pirate captain Spear then took the opportunity to scan our surroundings, and found a Bulk Freighter owned by BAWKNEIRA, and proceeded to hijack and steal it with his usual ease.

Angry, BAWKNEIRA announced he was putting a bounty on Spear and sought MY counsel on how to ensure that my oldest friend and partner turned up dead. Not willing to let this villain be my friend's undoing, I promised to help him arrange the assassination of Spear - he promised, in exchange for my killing Spear and returning his freighter, I could keep HALF of whatever money Spear dropped when I killed him. But the ridiculously pitiful bounty didn't dissuade me, as BAWKNEIRA was my true target. I advised him to board MY space station to await Spear's death and purchase all the pirate's ill-gotten gains. Suspecting nothing, BAWKNEIRA entered my booby-trapped station and upon entering the third room, found himself locked in the antechamber with poisonous gases filtering through the room.

And that was my day, dear diary.

Year 10 Day 344

Dear diary,

Borr gave me a book to read over the Life Day holidays last week, and I just had to share it with you. Now, I was skeptical at first, its premise is that you can gain anything you want in life by just asking for it. Seems too good to be true, right? Wrong!

The reason people in this universe are unhappy is because they either don't ask for those things they want, or they ask in a negative way. "Would you give me your TIE Bomber for free?" isn't likely to be met with a positive response - but if you instead simply change the sentence structure, you'll find absolutely marvelous results.

Take for example my exchange with Azriel Pitot, the leader of Sorusuub, one of the largest corporations in the galaxy. I could see outside the Gráinne Ní Mháille's viewport that he owned a pristine, mint-condition, Shadowstone-dynasty TIE BOMBER. So keeping in mind the book's lessons, I tried to apply its creative sentence structures to my request.

Teniel Djo: Greetings good sir, I notice you own a TIE Bomber
Azriel Pitot: Why indeed I do.
Teniel Djo: Have you noticed that I own a shiny new B-Wing, worth much more than your TIE Bomber?
Azriel Pitot: Please, tell me more.
Teniel Djo: Well, it has a sturdy construction, speedy hyperdrive and is sure to attract members of all five known genders.
Azriel Pitot: There's five of them?
Teniel Djo: Clearly you've never been to Eroticon VI
Azriel Pitot: I must have this B-Wing. Would you trade my TIE Bomber for your B-Wing? I would insist on a middleman of course, since you are a known thief.
Teniel Djo: Absolutely, that sounds fantastic. In fact, you are such a wonderful chap Azriel that I would be willing to send first to you, if you can just assign me as pilot.
Azriel Pitot: Really? That would be fantastic! I will do that right now!
[time elapses]
Teniel Djo: But your ship shows as being docked aboard a strange ship named the Gráinne Ní Mháille! I don't want a docked ship.
Azriel Pitot: Dammit, I knew this was too good to be true.
Teniel Djo: I guess you'll never get to meet the exciting new genders after all
Azriel Pitot: I am depressed and dejected at the sudden devaluation of my pricelessly rare ship. However, I am also simultaneously in awe of how smoothly you just conned me. Let me give you the ownership codes of the TIE Bomber.
Teniel Djo: That would be most fair, my good chap. Here, take this chapel as a token of trade.
Azriel Pitot: Hurray, I have transformed my suddenly-worthless TIE Bomber into a delightful new Chapel! I can't wait to donate 700 credits monthly to the religious charity of my choice!

Year 11 Day 4

Dear diary,

Too often have I heard the mothers of poor sentients confide in me what drove their beloved sons to suicide. Too often has the cause of it all been Utono Brutza. The tragic tale of Drago Aluminus's descent into a fiery sun yesterday nearly broke my heart, and so I turn to you, oh dear diary. And the fact he was Logistics Director of the Corporate Alliance only made the whole incident more sad, since you will remember that nearly a dozen high-ranking members of the Trade Federation have recently lost their lives or fortunes to Eidola; after refusing to hand over control of the planet Malastare to local Dug government.

Brutza recently opened Utono's Underground Utopia, a casino on his world of pleasurely delights, Roon. He handles most of the gambling himself, dressed in that natty suit and tie I bought him last Life Day. But as the saying above the entrance reads, "Utono's His Name, Uno's His Game".

Being from the Corporate Alliance, Drago had access to large funds and settled up to the table with 10,000,000 in bets on his first day. But the Mistress of Flasks will always beat the Commander of Staves, and he lost the money, heading to the local tavern to drink away his worries, as he prepared for the next day's gambling.

The following day, his luck seemed to pick up, he won some money in the casino and was duly paid up. But his fortunes led to a bad decision to hock a warship to a pawnbroker and try a higher-stakes Uno tournament against Utono, and this time he lost 20,000,000.

Undeterred, and refusing to admit he had a gambling problem, he insisted on a 50,000,000 Winner Takes All round of Uno. But, poor readers, he lost that as well. However, as he scrambled for the door of Utono's Underground Utopia to squelch on his debt, it became clear that he was broke; he didn't have the money to pay his gambling debts.

Being a charitable sort of chap, Utono Brutza refused to shoot out his kneecaps with a blaster, and instead just cut off two of his head-tresses, warning that he'd better show up with the 50,000,000 soon. A few days later, Drago came back to give Utono 24 ETA fighters and 15mil cash, to cover half his debt. Drago then ran to a nearby star-system where Jeff Corbin owned a casino and challenged the Scion of Tion to a 50,000,000 wager, desperately hoping to win the cash to pay off the angered Eidola Pirate back on Roon. However he lost this game as well, although Corbin charitably agreed to let him leave the casino with his remaining head-tresses still intact.

Having raised 35mil in charitable contributions from Tion Hegemony, Drago dragged his sorry ass back to Utono's Underground Utopia - but instead of paying the pirate the remainder of his money, instead challenged him to a game of Double or Nothing for the 50mil debt. Drago, being a kriff-poor card player, lost again and now owed Utono 75mil. He handed over the 35mil and ran like a frightened child, wailing loudly as he pushed through the casino's doors.

Drago then went to another casino, this one owned by Torryn, and placed another fake bet for 50mil hoping to win and have the money to appease the increasly irate Utono Brutza and his Unmerry Band of Monkeys. However he lost again, and Drago went out to his last remaining ship, and set course for the fiery ball of gas that promised to wipe away his despair and gambling debts.

And that is an object lesson children, in why you should never gamble, especially not with money you don't have. Especially not at Utono's Underground Utopia.

Year 11 Day 313

Dear diary,

Do you know the name Gilboa? I may not have mentioned him before, he is one of those "newly monied" individuals walking around with more money than brains. I learned this while selling him large amounts of useless stocks for grossly high prices...then of course, once the rest of Eidola found out how gullible he was...a contest was born. "Who will be the first one to rob Gilboa?" - the prize, a modified Tie-Wing that's been sitting in faction inventory for years, Hyper 10, 4 ECM and a turbolaser battery.

Utono, Umbeck, another and I all agreed on the terms, and the game was afoot. Within a few days, all four of us had robbed him separately - Umbeck was the first out of the gate, with Utono following up with a 22mil theft - I came in third place getting him to send first to purchase one of the Sevarcos asteroids (I initially refused until he REALLY annoyed me, you must understand dear journal) - and when it appeared the fourth might not manage to rob Gilboa himself, I approached Gilboa with a "too good to be true" sale and since he obviously (at this point, IS it obvious?) demanded a middleman...I suggested the fourth and he heartily agreed and sent his 10mil in to the Eidola's Quartermaster and long-time thief.

So now we were in a unique position, all of us felt we were rightly entitled to the modified Tie-Wing. However, while Umbeck, Utono and I bickered between ourselves, apparently that sneaky rat decided to go behind our backs and try...omg...to screw Gilboa AGAIN for a FIFTH TIME THIS WEEK. He powered up the 57TH OVERLANDER Bayonet Cruiser and flew it around before contacting Gilboa to express interest in paying a fistful of money for the beautiful Viper. Gilboa, foolishly yet again trusting somebody who had robbed him only days earlier, agreed to assign the ship to prove his ownership...and was dismayed to find it instantly docked into the 57TH OVERLANDER and en route back to its new home as the newest prize in his collection.

Diary, if it was not obvious, we all conceded the contest, and the modified Tie-Wing has a new owner...although I've heard rumors he intends to sell it for a handsome profit...if only a foolishly optimistic buyer would message him with a decent offer for such a wonderful ship...